So by the looks of it no one has visited my one day old blog. So I guess it is going to be more private than I thought, or maybe one day I will write something so interesting that people will wind back and come across all the drivel I am writing in these early days.

So one of my existential tensions is how do I reconcile the fact that I detest almost all aspects of big business and yet without them paying me I cannot provide for my family or their needs. And I have tried the self employed, authentically expressive path. Maybe I wasn't doing it right, probably trying too hard as usual. But I had some interesting experiences and learnt a lot about humility.

So the world seems to want me for my skill, knowledge, experience and skill. I can understand that, they want to know that they are going to get value for the money they spend. So I am no different to the lavatory cleaner, unless there are people out there who feel compelled or called to clean lavatories.

So part of my lesson in humility is learning to deal with life on life's terms. Not on my own terms, which are pure fantasy and romance. As a child I would play the piano, euphonium, flute or sing and expect some passer-by to hear me, stop, come and knock on the door and "discover" me. I would then be whisked away from all hardship and live the life of loving adoration that I somehow knew I had been born for.

I know that is not going to happen now. I know that I need to be as open, vulnerable and loving as I can and share my truest being with the world. There is a concept I use of 'bandwidth' by which I mean at what level can I connect with another being. Can I talk about deep things, spiritual, emotional, psychological without closing down the connection?

I don't find much bandwidth in business.

Maybe I am looking in the wrong places.

Getting out there

For a long time I have felt the need to get myself out there.

I am not even sure what I mean by that... get what out where?

Well I guess that I have many aspects to my personality, some of which do not find full expression in my everyday world. So here is an opportunity to share some of those thoughts, values and concepts with whomever may choose to stop by, pause a while and read.

This feels a bit like a new exercise book at school, or a new journal. There is a reluctance to make a mistake and ruin the pristine page. However after a few days there I am scribbling and crossing out so hopefully I will relax into this as well.

I had hoped that Facebook and LinkedIn would offer me the opportunity to share but they seem to be superficial contact engines that do not welcome realness or depth. Maybe here in my own little space I can put out there what I have and at least I have the knowledge that I have done it, shared it - even if no one reads it.

So briefly I want to share a current tension I am living with.

You see as I prepare to write this my thinking changes, I start to answer my own questions. If you are looking for short, sharp answers this is not for you as I will share my meanderings and thought processes as well.

I was going to write - What does the world want from a man today?

By the time that thought had come to consciousness I was already asking myself "What sort of man do I want to be in my world?"

That is enough for me to pnder on for the moment.